20 Things I Know Because My Dad Is My Dad

Forrest Sr – Dad – 66 / Forrest Jr – Me - 40What is it like having my father as a father?

Because my dad, is my dad, I…….

1.     Have someone to call.  Always.
2.     Am comfortable tackling any plumbing problems.  Because I am comfortable tackling plumbing problems, I am also comfortable tackling other problems as well.  The confidence that those experiences have given me carries over into other aspects of life.
3.     Know that if the plumbing problem I have tackled becomes too much, I always have a back up.  My dad.  Just a phone call away.
4.     Am comfortable with firearms.  I know I am worthy of trust because my dad trusted me with firearms at an early age.  He taught me methodically and entrusted me carefully.  As a result, I know it is ok for people to trust me and I feel trustworthy.
5.     Know what it is like to work hard.
6.     Know what it is like to be gentle.
7.     Know what it is like to be romantic.
8.     Know what it is to wash dishes.
9.     Know what is is to do laundry.
10. Receive a phone call every couple of weeks telling me what a wonderful privilege it is to be my dad and what a great father I am.
11. Grew up with the crazy notion that I was wonderful and special just for being me.
12. Know that we are a kaleidoscope of people but our similarities strongly outweigh our differences.  And, without a shadow of a doubt, we are most certainly equal in the eyes of God.
13. Get to call him and share my deepest insecurities….”Dad, I don’t think I have the faith to make it through today…..”  “Son, it’s not your job to have the faith, it’s only your job to ask for it.  Give that responsibility to God.  He wants it.  He will give you what you need.  Don’t even try to do it on your own.  Let Him.”  That’s what it is like to talk to my dad.  And, yes, that is a real conversation that I had with my father while going through my divorce.
14. Know that it takes 2 hands to cook, 2 hands to clean, 2 hands to drive, 2 hands to hold, 2 hands to love, 2 hands to turn a wrench and 2 hands to sew.  It doesn’t matter if those 2 hands come from a girl or a boy.  What a silly notion.
15. Learned that you can recognize a soldier/warrior because they are the most prepared to go into battle and they are the least likely to want to go. (that means that warriors understand the cost of battle and avoid it at all costs.  But when they go, they go 150%)
16. Learned that you don’t have to wear a uniform, to be a warrior.
17. Learned that he went to Vietnam not to prevent people in America from burning the flag, but to give them the right to do so without threat of prosecution.  Though he may hate the action, he honors the Freedom.  There is no greater patriot, than those who have stood on the front lines and laid it all on the line.
18. Have an unlimited supply of encouragement.  Unlimited.  Try and imagine what that is like.  An unlimited supply of encouragement.
19. Say thank you to veterans.  In public places, even though I feel awkward.

20. Know that it is ok to be sad, frustrated, defeated, exhausted and discouraged.  Because tomorrow is another day and my job is to wake up, get up and show up and let God do the rest.

Anxiety

It's my day off.  I am having mild anxiety.  Why?

First, I intuitively know that I won't be able to do all I want to do today.  I won't be able to relax "enough" to compensate for the last 60 days of incredibly intense work.  No way can that amount of relaxation be crammed into 1 day.

I want to read Huckleberry Finn.  I want to play guitar.  I want to organize the hotel room.  I want to sit and enjoy a 2 hour breakfast.  I want to take a nap.  I want to pursue a job in the non-profit field.  I want to work at my house and get that figured out.  I want to call my dad.  I want to watch a movie.  I want to walk 2 miles.  I really wanna run 5 miles.  I want to soak in the hot tub.  I want to write a blog post about anxiety.  I want to make another entry into my State Farm journal.  Gee whiz……and that is just the beginning…..

Jeremy once said to me, "The next 90 days are going to pass.  Whether you want them to or not, they will.  The question you have to ask yourself is, what do you want to accomplish in the next 90 days?  Break it down into a 90 day segment, and then do it 1 day at a time."

Jeff said to me, "At the end of next year, when you turn around and look back, what story do you want to tell?  Do you want to be a better salesman?  Do you want to be a better manager?  Do you want to be a better dad?  Find out what you want to say about yourself in 12 months and then go do that."

I already feel a little bit better…..just by writing this out…..more to come….

feelings…….

I often have so many feelings of such a varied assortment that when I try and speak to all of them or write about them I give up before I even begin because it is just overwhelming trying to put the vast array of my emotions into a communicable pattern.

Whoever says that men don't have feelings never crawled into my head.  That's for sure.

As a matter of fact, I tend to believe that men are vastly misunderstood.

Scratch that, we are.  It's a fact.

The Top 5 Regrets of The Dying

The Top 5 Regrets of The Dying

1. I wish I had spent more time at work, cleaning the house and working in the yard.

I spent too much time with my kids.  They could have gone to tutors for homework and I didn’t really need to be at all those track meets and gymnastic exhibitions and choir performances, did I?

I spent too much time helping others in need and I didn’t really get anything out of it.  I mean, what did they ever do for me?  My job always gave me a paycheck, at least.  They were the grateful ones, my employers.  Not to mention the awesome plaque I received on my 5 year anniversary.

After all, I am certain that if I had spent more time on work they would have appreciated me more and not downsized me to make their stock portfolio look better for investors.  In the end, it’s the company that you work for that really matters, of course.

2. I wish I had taken fewer chances.  Rejection stinks.

I didn’t actually become a billionaire.  In fact, I failed so much more than I ever even achieved the smallest amount of success.  I could have avoided all those feelings of failure by just staying at the same job, day after day.  Life was hard enough, who needs all those reminders of failure.

3. I’m so glad I am single and didn’t risk a relationship.  I mean, the odds of those failing are almost certain.

Those people who pursued me were really nice and all.  But how do I know they are going to stay nice.  People change.  I saw it many times.  I was doing them a favor by rejecting them.  Not one of them ever thanked me.  But I’m sure they thought about it down the road and were grateful.  Even if they didn’t make the effort to thank me in person.

4. Boy, the Joneses really knew how to live.

Those guys had everything!  New cars, boats, vacations, they had it all.  I wish I had worked so much harder to keep up with them.  Then I would have really been happy.  I mean, after a while, I didn’t really see the boat anymore and there was that time the tow truck arrived to take their new BMW to the shop and I never really saw it again.  Then, after they gave their house back to the bank (dangit, I should have done that too) I didn’t really hear much from them.  But, I’m sure they are doing great.  They were always smiling no matter what.  They really had it made.  The good life.  I really missed out.

5. The one thing I did right, I never let anyone get close and never shared my real feelings.

Sharing your feelings is just too awkward and not really worth it.  I watch all these people walking around complaining about how this person said this and that person said that and they are crying and carrying on.  Who needs it?  I made it through life just fine on my own without all that silliness.  Who are my five closest friends, you say?  Well, let’s see....lemme get back to you on that one.

The Unexpected.

The Unexpected.

Oh, what a blissful Monday.  I awoke shortly before my alarm at 5am, ready to go for a run and tackle the day.  With a plan in mind, I headed out the door at 5:30am after a inspirational cup of coffee.  After getting my kids off to school, I headed into my store and arrived early enough to get a warm cup of Starbucks and still punch in at 8am.  Excellent.

Then it came.  9am.  I’m sick.  Can’t work tonight said my closing manager.  9:15am. I’m sick, can’t work tonight said my closing associate.

The morning backup was already working because another associate had become frustrated the Wednesday prior and abruptly quit.  I called the next backup and she couldn’t come in because of personal family issues.  I spent the next 45 minutes trying to find people to work, get the store open and do many other things that I didn’t have time to do.

So, instead of doing my 10 hour office day, which I only get one per week and try and get 14 hours worth of work done, I was going to spend the day working with customers.  When the other workload was going to get done was anybody’s guess.  Perhaps on my day off?

The Unexpected.  You better be ready because it usually hits when you least expect it and when it hurts the most.

Perfectionism.

Perfectionism.

I haven’t played my guitar because I feel like I can’t do it “good enough.”

My perfectionism paralyzes me.  It is what holds me back from many things.  It is also what propels me to excellence.

Writing these blog entries are an attempt to conquer my perfectionism as well.  I am determined to write through the awkwardness of not knowing what to write and how to organize my thoughts.

For some reason, I am convinced that putting these thoughts on paper will benefit me in some way.

Time will tell.

Boston Marathon. 2013.

Boston Marathon 2013. 3 dead.

I am quite incapable of putting what I am experiencing in my heart into words.  Yet, I must write.  Perhaps, it would be easier to say what I don’t feel.

I don’t feel anger or hate.  I don’t feel profound loss in that I lost someone I know or in any way felt intimately connected to the victims of the bombing.

I feel sad.  Deeply sad.  I am also unable to determine if I am sad due to the bombing or the bombing is simply the frame for my current sadness which has more to due with my mother’s battle with breast cancer, my sister’s battle with her self, my nephew’s battle with intense PTSD as well as many other struggles that I find myself privy to and most definitely am intimately connected to.

I was sitting in my office, lamenting about the series of unexpected events in my day which were making my job a sincere challenge when Todd burst in with the news of a bombing at the Boston Marathon.

Today my concerns are understaffing, getting more credit card apps, my store is under in sales for the past 10 days and our customer experience scores are low.  It all seems so trivial.  I may get to hang out with a good friend tonight, which will be nice.

Today I will go through the motions, trusting that tomorrow will just just a teeny bit better.  Tomorrow I see my kids.  They are my everything.